I love you, but don't come close!
From a distance, everything looks beautiful. All the flaws are hidden. I am sitting by the window in my room on the 10th floor. The buildings across the river outside look glorious. They seem perfect almost. Yet, I know that up close, the same buildings will have their cracks, leakages, broken windows, and stained walls. There will be a dozen issues. Proximity alway reveals the blemishes.
She seemed perfect. Standing straight, with a cute yet confident expression, well spoken, considerate, intelligent and very graceful in all her doings. And she actually is all these things. We got along so well. She was the friend I always wanted to have. We had many an adventure together. I grew closer to to her. Obviously, we got to know each others flaws too. The little cracks started to show up.
I don’t want you to see me! Once you see those dirty corners and broken tiles, then you may stop respecting me! Or worse, you may stop loving me. I’d rather keep the distance. And thats when the mask comes on. I don’t want to get too close to people, even those who I want to be close to. It’s too dangerous.
Also, I don’t want to see their flaws. It breaks the image of perfection about them I have created in my mind. Suddenly, the pedestal I have placed them on starts to get shaky. It’s not fun. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak.
People are the way they are. Relationships require some proximity. They require some distance too. I need to be able to zoom in and out as per the scene. I need to learn to see the flaws and not be appalled. I need to learn to allow myself to be exposed to the ones who genuinely love me and care for me. It will only strengthen me. It will teach me to accept myself more.