I banged the books down on the table. I was frustrated. I have spent so much time and effort explaining, teaching, and handholding him. And this is the result of all that?
I can't tolerate insincerity. I felt he was being insincere. We had been working together for long enough. He knows that I have no problems with mistakes, errors of judgement, and even if results don't come inspite of our best efforts. But insincerity - when one takes things casually, or says one thing and does another, that is something that really fries my nerves.
I felt he was being insincere. I could see a snigger of a smile on his face as I was intensely attempting to find solutions to a situation we were working on. I felt his attention was somewhere else. I would have been ok if he told me that he is not in the right space of mind, or even if he has told me that he doesn't want to work on this any more.
But this casual attitude of his (or at least I perceived it as casual) was responsible for me losing my shirt. That's what made me bang the books on the table. He was responsible for my anger.
Or was he?
Or was it because deep within I had already been losing control of the situation?
Or was it because deep within I knew that I myself had been getting casual?
Or was it because deep within I harboured self-doubt whether I am good enough to crack this problem?
Was it actually me being angry with me?
Anger is always our own. It's has nothing to do with the other person. They are just triggers. Just like a volcano, the lava is already inside the earth. The fault line already exists. It is a weakness in the crust of the earth. All it needs is a trigger, an earthquake or a slight tectonic tremor to set the molten red hot lava bursting forth.
The anger already exists within me. The person who I think I am angry with is just a trigger. The anger is completely mine.
Now I realise that when somewhen makes me (triggers) angry, I must feel gratitude. They have been a mirror to me and helped me see the anger that already lies inside me.